Dealing With Rejection

"The beginning of the adventure to find yourself is to lose your way. -Joseph Campbell

Ah, the bitter taste of being rejected by someone you love. There is nothing quite like it. There is nothing that will leave you second guessing yourself and reeling with thoughts of self-doubt, low self esteem, and all of the unanswered questions that pound your brain. You thought you were hard on yourself before; well, just have someone validate your low opinion of yourself by rejecting you and see what you think then.

Of course even the confident, self assured type get knocked off their feet when a partner rejects them. Then add to the mix the way in which you were left. Cheated on? Lied to? Or, just cold turkey with no signs and no goodbyes? Or, you may be one of the lucky ones whose partner had some integrity and was honorable enough to tell you face to face.

Regardless of who you are and how it happens, it NEVER feels good. It will make you question who you are and who you aren't. It will make you wonder what you did wrong and why you weren't good enough. It may even make you think that if they didn't want you, who will?

Depending on the length of your relationship will also play into the depth of your pain. So how do you deal with these rotten feelings, get over them, and move on with your life? How do you get your head back on straight and love and respect yourself again? What do you say to yourself to make it okay?

Megan was someone whose relationship of 2 years ended when she found out her boyfriend was on Match.com, and we all know why you go to such a site. She was not only in total disbelief but she was devastated too. The problem was instead of kicking him to the curb, she kicked herself to the curb. She couldn't understand what was wrong with her that would make him go and look elsewhere. I assured her that if there was anything wrong with anyone it was with his lack of integrity and the fact that he was dishonest and deceitful. Duh!

Amazingly she blamed herself. And she became obsessed thinking about him being out having fun with other women. She could barely function. She didn't go to work and stayed in bed all day. She kept asking me questions like, "Do you think he thinks of me?" "What was wrong with me that he wanted someone else?" "Do you think he feels bad, does he hurt like me?" "Do you think he is going to call me again?" Why do I have to hurt and he's going on with his life?

The cold hard truth is it really didn't matter what he thought, what he was doing and who he was doing it with because their relationship was over. And, the best part is she would probably never know the truth of how he felt. If he couldn't be honest with her to begin with what would cause him to start to be honest now?

There are several things you can do to pick up the pieces of your shattered ego and begin to believe in yourself and your future again.

First you have to realize that even though you may not believe it now, you WILL get over this. Keep in mind that it's up to you as to how soon or how long it will take. Remember in the past when you hurt someone or when you were hurt by someone? Did you or they get over it or are you still pining away for that lost love years later? Or did you or they move on with their lives and have a good life despite the temporary setback?

Next you have to know that you are no less of a person because someone walked out on you. You are still the same wonderful person and still have all of the great qualities that everyone else still admires in you. Get it out of your head that there is something wrong with you because that's a lie you are telling yourself.

Let's say you are a great cook and you've been rejected. Does your food not taste the same? Or, maybe you speak another language? Did you lose that ability now that Mr. Wonderful walked out of your life? Or, does whatever you were good at before suddenly disappear because some person disappeared from your life?

No, of course not, the only thing that is different is your belief in yourself and your ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Each day you have to learn to switch your focus from the hurt, blame, hate, guilt, fear, jealousy, revenge, and all of the other negative emotions that are eating you alive to thoughts of hope, faith, belief in a better future, belief in yourself, forgiveness, acceptance etc.

Learn how to have conversations with yourself that will lift you up not drag you down. Let yourself know that just because things didn't work out the way you wanted, it doesn't mean your life is over. Your life with this particular person may be over, but there is a whole world out there waiting for you to embrace it and start living again.

The key is to talk yourself into loving yourself again even when someone you love changed their mind. The other key is to learn how to change your thoughts. It's the single most important factor that will determine whether you stay stuck or move on.

Do not rehearse in your mind all of the what-if's and if-only's? Do not picture him having a great life without you. Do not envision him laughing and loving someone else. Do not keep telling yourself it's so unfair that he is going on with his life while you are in so much pain. If you do, don't expect to heal. Expect to feel worse.

Dealing with all of the emotions that go along with rejection are normal reactions. You have to travel down that road before you can heal, but if you never exit off that path and don't change directions you will find yourself on the road to nowhere.

When you dwell you live in hell. But, if you change your mind, you'll be just fine. It's your choice. Remember, the best revenge is to go on to live a great life.


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Susan Russo has written one of the top breakup books on the market. Her direct approach is a wake up call for anyone who is stuck in the letting go process. How would you like to move beyond the pain and start to feel like a human again? Find out how to by starting with Susan's FREE e-course on how to heal your pain.